Eric Kent Edstrom: When I Have Fears That I May Be Obese (A Parody)

Some years ago I wrote this parody of John Keats' sonnet "When I Have Fears That I May Cease to Be". I still think it's worth a chuckle. I've put the original after for comparison.

WHEN I have fears that I may be obese,
That my fork's tines will relentlessly pitch
Chocolate cakes and bacon soakéd in grease
Followed by pumpkin pie and fudges rich;
And when I break my fast (well after dawn)
To find it whole before morning is through,
Longing for luncheon while bruncheon is on
Alone at the buffet I form a queue;
And when I quaff caloried elixir
Scorning the straw to slurp from the pail
To wash all food into the great mixer
Of my cavernous craw–then on a scale
I judge the gravity of what I ate
And think I'd be fitter at greater weight

I might have missed a syllable or two in there. Sue me! Besides, see my creative commons license below.

John Keats

Here's the original . . .

WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high pil`d books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.